Anxiety Sucks

anxietyI tried to think of a better topic for this blog post but the title fits perfectly!  If you’ve been visiting my blog or if you know me fairly well, you know that I suffer with anxiety and OCD on a daily basis.  Some days are great and others — not so great.

There are many things that bother me about my anxiety but the one thing that bothers me the most is that it hinders me from adjusting easily to change.  All change. Any change. My anxiety doesn’t discriminate — it flares up when there is good change or bad change.

Something as simple as the seasons changing make my anxiety flare up.  Can you imagine that?  I have zero control over the seasons changing and they change 4 times a year yet, each year when winter turns to spring, spring turns into summer, summer turns into fall and fall turns into winter — my anxiety spikes.  Usually the winter to spring and spring to summer are the worst but they all pretty much suck to be honest with you.   The season changes are hard for me because hell, any type of change is hard for me.  I think the beginning of each season indicates certain “markers” in my life.  Winter (holidays, rushing, end of the year); spring (death); summer (keeping the teen positively occupied & adjusting to a new schedule); fall (start of school/new schedule).  Each time a season rolls around, I am pulling out my calendar to see if I have all of my ducks in the row for what I know will come up and then I get anxious about all of the unknowns as well.  The winter to spring change is especially hard because I lost my grandmother on April 8, 2012.   She raised me from 12 on and she was my entire world and unfortunately died of cancer.

This year as winter turns into spring, on top of the feelings that I have about the anniversary of my grandmothers death, I also recently resigned from one job (that I had for 2 years) and accepted a position at another company.  I loved my old job but a great opportunity was available and I had to accept. You would think that I would be nothing but excited but here I am — for the past 2 days I’ve suffered from headaches, a few panic attacks, tears and worry about everything from learning the ropes to the new commute to where will I eat lunch now that there are no food trucks near my new job.   It just SUCKS!!  Anxiety can literally sucks the fun out of life!  Yes, I am medicated, yes I fill myself with all of the positive self talk that I can but my anxiety is still there.

This isn’t a total ‘bitch fest’.  While I do have anxiety about things, I know that everything will work out in the end and I know that soon I will be excited about all of the newness of things.  It is the process of getting to that ‘end’ part that I struggle with.

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Running, Lifting & Sweating, Oh My!

Thirteen-Point-Freaking-One-Women-s-T-ShirtsWell, I did it!  This past weekend I ran the Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon here in DC and managed to finish 9 minutes faster than my previous Half Marathon and I set a new PR for myself at 2:09:31!!  This was my 2nd time running this particular Half and my 3rd Half overall.

Just a little background — I have a deep love for running and have been running since I was in middle school.  During middle and high school I was a sprinter and loved the 200 meter run and the 400 meter run.  In college, I ran those same races as well, along with the relays of course.  As I got older, I began to explore long distance running and surprisingly, I fell in love with it.  I joined Black Girls Run, a group designed to encourage African-American women to make fitness a priority and become a more health conscious society and subsequently aid in lowering the number of chronic diseases associated with an unhealthy diet.  I started running with Black Girls Run (BGR) over 7 years ago and I even served as Run Coordinator for one of the neighborhood runs here in Washington, DC.

Velvet__Steel_Fitness_Llc_in_Waldorf_MD_1260287New to me within the past year has been strength training!  I found a wonderful Trainer and I quickly joined up for her classes in July of 2015! Her name is Robin and she is the owner of Velvet & Steel Fitness, LLC.  When life got super busy for me and I found that I wasn’t able to make some of her classes, I quickly signed up for her Virtual Training which now delivers monthly programs designed specifically for me  based on my fitness level and assessments!  What could be better than that?!  On top of getting the workouts delivered to my email, I also have access to Robin in order to ask her questions, advice..etc.  It is the best of both worlds.  During the past 7 months that I have been following her programs, I’ve been able to see and feel a huge difference in my fitness level which has helped my runs tremendously.

Last Saturday marked my 3rd half marathon and I started training for this half soon soon after the holidays but I have to admit that due to the winter and its frigid temps, lots of snow and some days where I was lazier than a sloth — the training seemed to go on forever and ever.   I trained for 9 weeks and really tried to stick with my plan of running 2 times during the week (3 miles during each run) and then 1 long run on the weekends (increasing by a mile each weekend).  I completed some of my long runs solo, while other long runs I completed with my fellow BGR friends and with the guys from Black Men Run (BMR), a group designed to help increase health awareness among African American men.   The running along with the strength training was working really well for me and I soon began to feel stronger than I have ever felt in my life.

I set a goal for myself and that was to beat my last Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon time of 2:18:48.  I didn’t have a set time in mind, but I just wanted to PR this time around.  Towards the end of my training, I actually began to doubt myself and then nerves really set it.  It was odd, I’ve run hundreds of races before, why was I feeling so nervous about this?  I realized that it was because this was the 1st time ever that I set a goal for myself and I was afraid of not reaching that goal.

RocknRollMorningThe night before race day, my fiancé and I met up with some of the members of BGR and BMR at a restaurant in DC and we all celebrated each other.  It was nice to mix and mingle and it did help to ease some of my nervousness.  Unfortunately, sleep didn’t come easy the night before the race and I had a dreaded wake-up time on Saturday morning of 4:45am!   Upon waking up I stretched and had my normal race/workout breakfast of wheat bread topped with peanut butter and tons of water.  Due to a knee injury, my fiancé walked the Rock ‘n’ Roll 5 K that day and our start lines were in totally different parts of the city.  It was so odd to not have him with me at the start line running or just at the start line to see me off.  He was sweet and thoughtful enough to send me an audio message just moments before the gun went off.  His message was reminding me to trust my training and to run a smart and strong race.  That message made me smile through the first few miles of the race.

Race Run Down: The weather was perfect for a run — cool and overcast skies.  The race started at 7:30 but I was in Coral 21 and didn’t get to the start line until 8:02am!  Yes, that was 32 minutes of standing and slowly walking up to the line before I actually took off.

Miles 1 – 3: I felt really good. As usual, it takes awhile to find your groove as you weave in and out of the crowd after crossing the start line but I was able to fall into my groove fairly quickly.  I had a goal of finishing under my previous Half time of 2:18 so I wanted to keep my first few miles close to the 10 minute/mile pace so that I could have something left in me during the last few miles.

hillMiles 3 – 6:  Well, the beginning of this stretch felt good.  A few rain drops fell but they stopped quickly (thank God).  They had a fair amount of bands set up along the course and they seemed to be rockin’ it out.  I had my head phones on and couldn’t hear them clearly but the runners near me were waving, dancing and cheering for the bands as they ran.    If you take a look at the elevation chart of the Half Marathon course you will see that BITCH of a hill at mile 6.  I tell you, that is the steepest hill I’ve ever run and this is my 2nd time running it.  I was determined to run up the entire hill regardless of how slow I had to go.   I finally made it to the top of it but man, did it take every ounce of my strength and determination to do it.  So much so that when I did reach the top, I had to walk about 5 steps around the corner before continuing on.  My legs were so spent and tired after tackling that hill and I was so thankful to the many people that were on the hill and at the top of the hill cheering us on.  Phew.. hill done, now to focus on the 2nd half of the race.

Miles 7 – 10: By now, I am just about over this race…LOL! Yep, I am ready to have someone come pick me up and take me out for a burger and fries!  I felt strong but my feet were just tired of running.  Mile 7 was my slowest mile split at 10:18/mile while all of my other splits were under the 10 minute/mile time.  I could literally feel myself slowing down and I put my favorite song to run to on repeat for those miles to get myself though it. Oh, the run song is by Eminem:  Til I collapse!  That is my go to song each time I need a kick in the ass 🙂

Miles 11 – 13:  Here is when you say to yourself  — “I only have a 5K left, I can do that easily”.  That is just what I kept thinking and staying to myself.  I was able to keep my pace between 9:27 – 9:43 for these miles and I took my 1st sip of water.  I ran past at least 4 water stations and I never stopped at them but had water in my holder but never even got thirsty until mile 11… odd.  At times I get cramps after drinking water so I was careful to only take a few small sips.  My body was still tired but felt even stronger than ever during the last 3 miles.  Finally, I could tell that I was near the finish line and I saw the Mile 13 marker but I swear that last 0.1 mile felt like a damn mile!!  I was so happy to come across the finish line and stop my fitness watch!  I immediately stepped over to the side to look around for my fiance and to get my medal.  After receiving my medal I could see Anthony walking up towards me with a huge smile on his face and his arms open wide for a BIG hug!! I was so happy to be finished and that is when I looked at my watch to see that I completed 13.29 miles in 2:09!  I was beyond ecstatic!  My legs were aching and I just wanted to get some fluids in me and I wanted to go home.  The race refreshments were GREAT. They had tons of food items (that I skipped) and cool water and chocolate milk!  That chocolate milk gave me LIFE.  I quickly drank 2 bottles of the chocolate milk followed by some water and felt a little better.  The walk to the car was a long one but I think I smiled the entire way!

So now that my training and my race is over — I feel a bit lost. Today,  I went for my 1st run since Saturday (a 2 miler) and it felt really good.  I will get back to my weekly runs soon and fall into a new running groove as well.

finished1

My fiance’, me and my run buddy Aaron (nicknamed – run hubby #2)

finished            finished!!

 

 

 

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Engagement PSA

public_service_announcementI have decided to open up my blog to my fiancé so that he can share some of his thoughts here from time to time.  We have now been engaged a full week and he has noticed a few things that has taken him (and I) by surprise and he decided to write them down and share them with everyone.

Grab a cup of coffee, tea… or whatever, get cozy and enjoy……

Well, it’s been a week since I popped the question and we are still floating on cloud nine.  Before I get into the heart of this post, I have to say that Aurelia and I have been so touched, so moved, so inspired, so thankful for the outpouring of love from family and friends.  I personally think I do a pretty good job at anticipating things in my life…however I did not foresee the responses we have received from so many.  Of course, we knew our closest friends and family members would be excited and happy for us; but we did not expect to bring so many grown folks to tears by this proposal.  Yes, we get teary-eyed; when we watch the videos or look at the pictures, but the reaction from others have been unbelievable.  For that, we would like to say thanks, with so much wrong in this world, I truly believe that intrinsically, there is more good than bad in this world and that people want to see others happy.  It’s my belief that we all want to see best in God’s creations.  We had a conversation with the drummer of Jeffrey Osborne’s band and he even mentioned getting teared up, counselors at school, co-workers, etc. The responses we will cherish just as much as we will the engagement.

Now, for the purpose of this post.  (Deep breath)…It never dawned on me or my “newly minted fiancé” what an appropriate response would be to our engagement.  Admittedly, it’s something I never gave any thought to.  I assumed (wrongly), that the responses would be pretty standard.  I’m sure some of you are scratching your heads wondering what in the world is he talking about.  Here is what I assumed some typical responses would be: “congratulations”, “I’m happy for you”, “God Bless the two of you”, “we wish you the best in your marriage”, “you deserve each other”, etc.  Those are all pretty typical of what I’ve said to newly engaged couples.  Now, there are a few outliers, such as “when is the wedding”, which may not be immediately answerable.  All of those are completely reasonable in my humble opinion.

Now, here are some responses, which have been quite surprising to both of us that I would like to share.  I will admit the engagement was a lot more public than I expected, since it was on stage with Jeffrey Osborne in front of hundreds of people we don’t know; it just happened that way.  However, for the lady who walked out and told us these words, “the only way I would say “yes” is if my boyfriend got on stage and asked me like that”, I’m not sure what the take away was or even how to respond.

Additionally, I hope every woman is happy with their engagement ring; however, I missed the class on ring size comparison.  After all, it’s the thought that counts and if you purchase a ring, the receiver of that ring, I hope will be ecstatic. Whether you picked it out together or if you went it alone and brought the ring you could afford, it does not matter.  I have never seen so many people show my “bride 2 be”, their ring, after they have asked to see hers.  Excuse me, but we do not need to see your cubic zirconia or rock of Gibraltar, unless of course we ask.  Additionally, it’s not a contest. Call me crazy…but to be told that unless its 3 karats, a man better not ask…is not really becoming.  I assume that’s why that ring finger is still empty.

Next, as we were out celebrating on Friday, a lady…who actually already though we were married, stop by to see what all the fuss was about.  When Aurelia told her we had just gotten engaged, this lady gave me the look of Medusa and said, “It’s about time, what took you so long”.  She gave me the “stank” eye and stormed off like I had spilled my drink on her. I was completely flabbergasted.

In fairness to all, most of these comments were from women…but men are not immured.  Some guy, who I guess had been interested in my significant other and has tried his A-game; but with zero success spent 10 minutes, congratulating me, dapping and shaking my hands while we were out celebrating on Friday night. I had no idea who he was or why he walked up and wanted to make sure he and I had “no beef”.  Of course, I had the deer in the headlights look…”beef”, I don’t even know who you are dude. He explained how I lucky I was; which I am…how beautiful, she is, which was not “breaking news…I knew that as well” and just wanted to make sure we were cool.  I finally told him, “I’m as cool as the other side of the pillow”, not sure what you are talking about, I hope you find soulmate, and can I please get back to my drink.  Aurelia walks off the dance floor just to fill in the blanks of who he was and how he had tried his A-game 6 months or so ago.  Apparently, he didn’t get the memo, that the only A-game she was interested in beings with “Anthony” J…just strange.

Lastly, we love seeing and hearing of couples celebrating years of marriage.  We often talk about a possible downfall of meeting your soulmate so late in life is possibly not being able to celebrate a 25 year anniversary, 40 year anniversary, etc.  If you want to know our heroes, it’s those in our circles who have years and years of marital bliss, whether its 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, we absolutely love hearing about it.   Having said that, when you congratulate us, which once again, we do appreciate, angrily telling us, you have been married for 42 years is not really appealing or encouraging.  It actually frightened me.  So, I’m not that naïve to think that every day, week, month or year is filled with that same euphoria you may feel on your engagement or wedding day…but when you tell me with a scowl on your face how long you have been married, it makes me wonder was it a sentence or a blessing.

As to not end on a somber not, we really appreciate hearing the little anecdotes of what it takes to have a long lasting marriage.  I will never forget the couple who came up to us, the wife was literally pushing her husband in a wheelchair and they stopped to wish us well and tell us about the 30 year marriage, priceless.

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I said “Yes!”

I am slowly climbingMe Engaged down from Cloud 9 but the silly grin that I’ve had on my face since last Sunday may not disappear until sometime late Summer!  On Sunday, February 21st my boyfriend popped the question at  The Birchmere in Virginia, on  stage at a Jeffrey Osborne concert and to say that I was surprised would be an understatement.  For those of you reading this that may not really know me…  Jeffrey Osborne is my all time favorite of all performers in the world. We’ve gone to see him a total of 3 times in 2015 alone!   Our first concert that we saw together 3 years ago was at the Birchmere!

Anthony decided last February, during a Jeffrey Osborne concert that we attended, that he would ask me to marry him at this year’s show and he managed to keep the entire thing a secret!!

The effort that he put into making this proposal magical, just blows me away.  He reached out to the venue and to Jeffrey Osborne’s manager months ago to let them know that he planned to propose to me during one of our favorite songs “We Both Deserve Each Other’s Love”.  He was told by the Birchmere that they don’t set things up like that and then Anthony explained to the venue that he wasn’t looking to stop the show, he just wanted to reserve a table or maybe just get a message to Jeffrey to not be alarmed if he heard an eruption of cheers during the show.   He was then told that the most they could do would be to pass on his email to his management team. When Anthony heard nothing back from anyone, he decided to go to Jeffrey’s website and send an email to them as well, just letting then know what he would like to do. He also explained to them that I was his #1 fan.   Still, nothing.  So, his plan was to get to the show early, get a seat up close to the stage (like we normally do),  sit at the end of a table so that he would have room to drop to one knee and just do it when the time was right.

We got to the show and I was in my element, just ready to enjoy the music and enjoy my boyfriend.  In the middle of his show, Jeffrey Osborne stopped, then said to the crowd “Is there a Anthony Twitty in the house?” and I think my heart stopped!!  As I saw Anthony get up out of his seat and walk to the stage, all I could say over and over again was “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God”.

BAM1When Anthony got to the  stage, the crowd went wild and he asked me to join him. Yes, in front of 500 of Jeffrey’s fans and Jeffrey himself.   Anthony said a few sweet words, dropped to one knee, presented the ring of my dreams and asked me to marry him.  I  instantly said “Yes!”.  Immediately after the proposal, Jeffrey Osborne congratulated us and then told us that we could stay on stage with him and dance as he sang us one of our favorite songs.  The moment was pure magic!

Although there were more than 500 people there, the dance felt like we were in our house listening to him on CD.

Here is the video of the proposal

Here is the Video of our dance as Jeffrey sang to us

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What’s Normal Anyway?

normal

While on vacation last December in Saint Maarten, I came across a article online that spoke to me in so many ways. The article is titled 10 Things The Adult Child Of An Addict Wants You to Know and it spoke about many things that most adult children of addicts had to deal with and how it affects them in their lives now.   In the article, the author outlined 10 things that we (adult children of addicts) want you to know and 3 of those things that the author laid out really hit home for me and I decided to post about them individually.  The 1st point that I posted about last month was “We had no peace in our childhood“.   Today, I want to touch on another point that was talked about in the article….

We don’t know “normal.” Normal is a relative term, yes. But our normal is not on the relativity scale. Normal for us can include instability, fear, even abuse. Normal might be a parent passed out in their own vomit. Normal might be taking care of your household, your siblings, your parent(s), and very rarely yourself. This profound lack of understanding leads us to the conclusion that normal = perfect, and less than perfect is unacceptable. Perfect is a non-negotiable term — there are no blurred lines. It’s all or nothing.

I’ve read that paragraph at least 20 times while shaking my head in agreement!  I never knew what normal was as a child… hell at 46, I am not sure I know what normal is but I am slowly creating my own sense or normalcy.

As a child, my normal was waking up in a home where there may not have been heat in the winter or air in the summer.  Waking up in a home where the electricity may or may not be on.  Waking up and going to bed in a home where some days all you’ve had to eat was a slice of bread with some mayonnaise on it (if you were lucky).  Food, love, and the basic necessities were very inconsistent in my childhood home.  That was my normal!

I can’t remember ever getting help with my homework or sitting and reading with my mother or father.  When I sit back and think about my childhood school years, I can’t remember anything that happened in school between kindergarten – 7th grade.  Can you imagine that?  Not one damn memory!  I can’t remember any of my teachers name or the name of a friend that I may have had in school until I reached my 2nd year of 7th grade.  Yes, I failed the 7th grade the 1st time, then when I moved to NY with my grandmother, I repeated that grade and passed with flying colors.

Normal was seeing my mother passed out on the sofa, bed, floor, kitchen chair…wherever. Normal was not having proper supervision when you and your younger brother are home alone.  Normal was getting beatings (not spankings) but beatings with a thick leather belt because you ate the last cookie in the cookie jar, or just because your father came home and had nothing better to do.  Normal also was being woken up in the middle of night at the age of 8 to your father coming in to the room and…….

Normal…Schnormal!

I have always heard and read that the first five years of a child’s life, often called the formative years, are absolutely critical for the development, performance and success of the child throughout his/her life. Well, if that is true, I am/was truly lacking!!

Years of talk therapy,  years of medications, years of depression, anxiety, needing reassurance and OCD are the results of what my ‘normal’ childhood led me to.  I know there’s a saying:  “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”… and I have to say that God must think that I am one hell of a strong person because I handled so much.  I tried to ‘check out’ a few times but I doubt that is what I really wanted to do because I am still here.  What I am now left with is a woman that wants to be loved, wants to be secure within herself and her surroundings and wants to create a ‘new normal’ for herself.

I remember one psychiatrist telling me that I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  She said that it was the direct result of living with the traumatizing effects of addiction.   Even years after my father died, and after I left from under the care of my mother and I no longer was surrounded by abuse, drugs and alcohol, I still carried the impact of living with and being raised by abusive, drug addicted parents.  I had so much unresolved pain and unanswered questions that still seep into my daily life as an adult. There is no doubt that pain from childhood actually gets stored into your mind and body and becomes part of our psyche well into adulthood.  My job now has been to grow, adapt and change into the person that I wish to be.  I face that pain, deal with it and work through it in healthy ways so that I can learn to live with it and not allow it to rule over my life.   It hasn’t been easy for me, or those that love me, but it is what it is. I find myself explaining and re-explaining myself to people so that they can fully understand what makes me tick.  I ask for patience when my anxiety is heightened and understanding when I am feeling insecure.  I know it is tiresome for all parties involved but there just isn’t much more that I can do.

Many people often wonder how or why I write about my painful past and believe me, it isn’t easy.  I tear up and break into the full blown ‘ugly cry’ from time to time while typing parts of my posts but I know that it is a healthy practice.  It is good to get these thoughts, feelings and life experiences out so that I can face it, address it and not run from it.  Also, I never know if it may help someone else who is going through the same thing.

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Yes, I am An Adult Child Of 2 Addicts

addictionWhile on vacation, I came across an article online that spoke to me in so many ways.  The article is titled 10 Things The Adult Child Of An Addict Wants You to Know.   Yeah, a hell of a article to read while on the sunny beaches of Saint Maarten, huh?   When I saw the title of the article, I didn’t hesitate to dive right into it.  There’s no secret that I am the product of 2 drug abusers/alcoholics and the long term effects of my upbringing seem endless at times but the most prevalent reminders of my upbringing come out in my daily anxiety and OCD tendencies.

In the article, the author outlines 10 things that we (adult children of addicts) want you to know and 3 of those things that the author laid out really hit home for me.    I wanted to touch on them one by one in my next few blog posts so here’s the 1st one:

We had no peace in our childhood. We don’t know peace. This is ironic, because we believe only in perfection and yet we create chaos. Chaos, stress, unrest: these are comfortable for us. We feel at home in these circumstances, not because they are healthy, but because they feel normal.

Can you imagine that?  A childhood with no peace?

My entire childhood, up until I moved in with my grandmother at the age of 12 was riddled with chaos, fear, abuse and stress.  There were days that I had no food to eat,  got beaten for eating what little food was in the fridge, days when I would come home from school to find all of our belongings on the sidewalk (yeah, eviction is a bitch when you are a child) and other days with no electricity, heat, water… it was an absolute mess!!  I remember going to school and having the teachers yell at me and/or send me to detention for not paying attention in school or not having my homework done and I always wanted to run to them and tell them of my family life at home but was told to NEVER speak of our situation “or else”.  Growing up with a father like mine, the words “or else” always meant a beating — a severe one at that.

One day in particular I remember hearing the school bell ring for dismissal and instead of going to the bus, I hid in one of the bathrooms.  I hid there and waited until the school was empty and then roamed around the school in the dark to try to find a comfortable space to sleep and something to eat.  I must have just fallen asleep because I woke up to the sounds of alarms going off and shouts of adults hollering my name. Yep, at about 11pm that night, the police came to find me there hiding in the school cafeteria.  Humph, here I thought that my parents wouldn’t even report me missing and perhaps I would just disappear into the darkness but no, I was sent home to my parents where I was again abused by my father — to the point that I missed school the following day.

You would think that by having a childhood filled with so much chaos and unknown that I would welcome a smooth sailing, peaceful, no drama adult life but actually – I thrive on/in chaos believe it or not.  It is what I was born into and what I grew accustomed to during my childhood.  Growing up through my teen years, young adult years and adult years I continued to draw and create more chaos into my life.  Sad, huh?  While I know that peace is the way — I am used to having something to worry about, fix, address, concern myself with..etc!  It is very rare that I absolutely let myself go and free myself of troublesome thoughts of what may or may not happen.

Here’s what I do know:

  • I can’t remember one teachers name from Kindergarten up until the 7th grade.
  • I can’t remember not one childhood friend from birth – 12 years old.
  • I don’t ever remember being read to as a child.
  • I’ve told all 3 of my children about my childhood and I always wanted them all to feel safe, loved and  secure.
  • I feel that EVERY child should feel loved, safe and secure!

So, what about the now almost 46 year old me?  Well, I am continuing to learn to stop the slippery slope of my anxious thoughts. I often seek out help from my other half/future husband, who by the way lives life to the fullest each day and is in a good mood/worry free 98% of the time.   My best friend Kim who just “GETS ME!”, almost to the point of being able to read my mind.  She is able to help me rationalize my fears/anxieties and helps me to keep on stepping.   My Chicas and friends who want nothing but the very best for me and dammit, will tell me when I am trippin’ and will hold a mirror up to me when I need to make a change.  I spent the last 3 years of my life making my “Tribe” smaller and smaller — weeding out those that do not want the best for me and I continue to surround myself with love and inspiration.  I realize that I did break a cycle – and for that I am proud.  I just have to continue to find my ‘new normal’ and settle into it and so far, I am doing a helluva good job!

 

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The Hurrier I Go, The Behinder I Get

too thinHave you ever felt like the faster you go – the further behind you fall?   At times I feel like someone is looking at my life and has their finger on the fast forward button and things are whizzing by. In the midst of all the whizzing, I am doing some crazy juggling act to keep all of the balls up in the air!  I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt this unorganized in my life.

The Hurrier I Go, The Behinder I Get — yep, that is me lately.  I used to pride myself in being able to work from home, take care of an infant, a 8yo, a 12yo and a 14yo while getting together with friends,  sitting on the PTA, keeping the house tidy and maintaining a flawless meal plan. Nowadays.. not so much!  Heck, I just realized that I posted to my blog last week and I totally forgot to tell you guys about it…Ooops it is titled Mid-September Already? Where is This Year Going? How ironic is that!

What’s funny is that I have some really GREAT weeks and then I have weeks where I don’t know my ass from my elbow.  I wake up asking my other half “what day is it?”  Fitting it all in has become a challenge: work, working out, quality time with the teen, volunteering/speaking at the high school, quality time with the adult children, board meetings, quality time with the grands, quality time with my other half, alone time…etc.

The only think that I can think of to do is to sit down and really review my calendars.  Oh, did  I mention that I have 2 of them?  One for just me and one for the other half and I.   Perhaps I need to combine the two?..Hmmm.  Anyway, I think what I will do is use one of my Friday’s off and set an appointment up with myself to  just sit down, review my calendars and work hard to schedule things out in a way that is more manageable.  I also need to sit down and ask myself if I am taking on too much or am I just not planning and/or looking at it all properly.

I looked at October’s calendar yesterday and I see that I am confirmed to attend 2 separate meetings, at the same time, at the place.  Both of the organizers of the meetings would like me there but unless I come up with a way to clone myself (and Lord knows we don’t need 2 Aurelia’s running around) something will have to give.

When the boy teen is with his dad, usually my schedule goes right out the window!  When he is with us, I am a little more organized but the days still seem rushed.   I thank my lucky stars for my other half who never gets frazzled no matter how busy things get.  He always makes himself available to throw food on the grill to last us a few days, pick up the boy teen early from the subway, drop him off here or there and play Mr. Mom when I have late meetings but something inside of me still feels like I should have a better handle on my schedule.  Let’s not even talk about my sleep pattern – some nights I sleep like a rock (like last night) and other nights I am up at 3am tossing and turning until it is time to get up (ugh).

What I notice the most about when I am in a hurry is that I get careless — over sleeping, not sleeping through the night, not fully listening to what people are saying because I am so focused on what I need to do next, forgetting meetings and more.  I really need to do more planning and more living in the moment!!

I will give myself a pat on the back for one thing though — I’ve gotten so much better with not complaining as much as used to.   I used to moan frequently about things but I am cutting back big time and now I am focused on making some long-lasting positive changes for my sanity sake (and the sanity of those that live and work with me).   Speaking of work — when I am here in the office it is like I am like a well oiled machine but outside of the office… it is hit or miss.

BTW – this post isn’t a complaint..LOL  its an acknowledgment of what I need to change in my life.

As always — thanks for peeking into my world and if you have some great “stay on top of it” tips, please do share them.

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