Who Am I?

imagesCan you imagine waking up on New Years Day at the age of 43 and wondering who in the hell you really are?  Well, in a nutshell, that is just what happened to me.

Here is a quick rundown of some major events in my life:

Ages Birth – 12: I lived with my mother and father who both were drug abusers and oh yeah, my father was sexually and physically abusive (just for shits and giggles).  I am not making light of it – actually I spent many of my adult years in therapy to deal with this and I am at a good place now re: it all

Ages 12 – 18: I lived with my Grandmother in NY.  The best years of my life by far!  She was is the most amazing woman that I know.  Unfortunately, she passed 11 years ago.  At the age of 17 I gave birth to my 1st child.

Ages 18 – 26: Ahhh – I tried my hand at college (Track & Field Scholarship) and dropped out after 1 year, I entered into an abusive relationship and gave birth to child #2 at the age of 21.

Ages 26 – 36: Met my soon to be ex (STBX) and fell madly in love. He was all that I ever wanted and more so we got married and were to live happily ever after.  I had child #3 at the age of 30 and then… life was good.  I worked from home and was able to stay at home with the children.

Ages 36 – now: I went to work for my STBX’s Pest Control Company part time – hey, what’s better than that?  I get great perks, get off when the kids need me to and I get to help build a business.  Somehow.. that all isn’t/wasn’t enough and I find myself  looking at my life and wondering.  Who am I? 

I found a letter that I wrote to myself 8 years ago after an argument with my STBX. In the 3 page letter, I was questioning why I allow certain things into my life.  Can you believe that 8 years later the things that I questioned were STILL in my life.  It hit me… Aurelia, you are not happy and the only way to get happy is to CHANGE things up!   Oh, I played the part of being happy so well.  I should have won a damn Oscar!  I was always smiling, always being up beat, always having dinner on the table on time and a pep in my step but who in the hell was I fooling. Inside I was slowly dying so here I am.

I spent the last 15 years living in 2 different beautiful homes with large kitchens and lovely neighbors and not having to worry about monetary things.  Now, I am 43 years old young and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with a teeny kitchen and a small bathroom but you know what?  I’ve never felt so free & life in my entire life.

In no way am I saying it is easy. Hell, over the course of the past 4 months, I’ve lost 13 lbs, had a more panic attacks than you can count on 2 hands, several bouts of depression (BTW – I suffer from Anxiety and OCD) and I’ve had countless sleepless nights.  But, finally I can say that I made a decision that I 100% KNOW was the right decision for me and my children.

So, my 13yo son goes back and forth each week from my apartment to the house that I moved out of (with his father) <— that in and of itself is worthy of its own blog.  I am hoping that things smooth out for us all soon because having a touch of normalcy in our lives is needed.


About Aurelia

My name is Aurelia (pronounced Ah-real-lee-ya) and I am a 40-something year old woman on a voyage to stay true to who I am. I’ve spent so many years being the person others wanted me to be and I slowly lost touch with myself. I’ve been through many ups and downs in life and in January of 2013, I began the process of filing for divorce after 17 years of marriage and literally started to rebuild my life from the ground up.
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