Here is a quick rundown of some major events in my life:
Ages Birth – 12: I lived with my mother and father who both were drug abusers and oh yeah, my father was sexually and physically abusive (just for shits and giggles). I am not making light of it – actually I spent many of my adult years in therapy to deal with this and I am at a good place now re: it all
Ages 12 – 18: I lived with my Grandmother in NY. The best years of my life by far! She
was is the most amazing woman that I know. Unfortunately, she passed 11 years ago. At the age of 17 I gave birth to my 1st child.
Ages 18 – 26: Ahhh – I tried my hand at college (Track & Field Scholarship) and dropped out after 1 year, I entered into an abusive relationship and gave birth to child #2 at the age of 21.
Ages 26 – 36: Met my soon to be ex (STBX) and fell madly in love. He was all that I ever wanted and more so we got married and were to live happily ever after. I had child #3 at the age of 30 and then… life was good. I worked from home and was able to stay at home with the children.
Ages 36 – now: I went to work for my STBX’s Pest Control Company part time – hey, what’s better than that? I get great perks, get off when the kids need me to and I get to help build a business. Somehow.. that all isn’t/wasn’t enough and I find myself looking at my life and wondering. Who am I?
I found a letter that I wrote to myself 8 years ago after an argument with my STBX. In the 3 page letter, I was questioning why I allow certain things into my life. Can you believe that 8 years later the things that I questioned were STILL in my life. It hit me… Aurelia, you are not happy and the only way to get happy is to CHANGE things up! Oh, I played the part of being happy so well. I should have won a damn Oscar! I was always smiling, always being up beat, always having dinner on the table on time and a pep in my step but who in the hell was I fooling. Inside I was slowly dying so here I am.
I spent the last 15 years living in 2 different beautiful homes with large kitchens and lovely neighbors and not having to worry about monetary things. Now, I am 43 years
old young and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with a teeny kitchen and a small bathroom but you know what? I’ve never felt so free & life in my entire life.
In no way am I saying it is easy. Hell, over the course of the past 4 months, I’ve lost 13 lbs, had a more panic attacks than you can count on 2 hands, several bouts of depression (BTW – I suffer from Anxiety and OCD) and I’ve had countless sleepless nights. But, finally I can say that I made a decision that I 100% KNOW was the right decision for me and my children.
So, my 13yo son goes back and forth each week from my apartment to the house that I moved out of (with his father) <— that in and of itself is worthy of its own blog. I am hoping that things smooth out for us all soon because having a touch of normalcy in our lives is needed.