Who Am I?

imagesCan you imagine waking up on New Years Day at the age of 43 and wondering who in the hell you really are?  Well, in a nutshell, that is just what happened to me.

Here is a quick rundown of some major events in my life:

Ages Birth – 12: I lived with my mother and father who both were drug abusers and oh yeah, my father was sexually and physically abusive (just for shits and giggles).  I am not making light of it – actually I spent many of my adult years in therapy to deal with this and I am at a good place now re: it all

Ages 12 – 18: I lived with my Grandmother in NY.  The best years of my life by far!  She was is the most amazing woman that I know.  Unfortunately, she passed 11 years ago.  At the age of 17 I gave birth to my 1st child.

Ages 18 – 26: Ahhh – I tried my hand at college (Track & Field Scholarship) and dropped out after 1 year, I entered into an abusive relationship and gave birth to child #2 at the age of 21.

Ages 26 – 36: Met my soon to be ex (STBX) and fell madly in love. He was all that I ever wanted and more so we got married and were to live happily ever after.  I had child #3 at the age of 30 and then… life was good.  I worked from home and was able to stay at home with the children.

Ages 36 – now: I went to work for my STBX’s Pest Control Company part time – hey, what’s better than that?  I get great perks, get off when the kids need me to and I get to help build a business.  Somehow.. that all isn’t/wasn’t enough and I find myself  looking at my life and wondering.  Who am I? 

I found a letter that I wrote to myself 8 years ago after an argument with my STBX. In the 3 page letter, I was questioning why I allow certain things into my life.  Can you believe that 8 years later the things that I questioned were STILL in my life.  It hit me… Aurelia, you are not happy and the only way to get happy is to CHANGE things up!   Oh, I played the part of being happy so well.  I should have won a damn Oscar!  I was always smiling, always being up beat, always having dinner on the table on time and a pep in my step but who in the hell was I fooling. Inside I was slowly dying so here I am.

I spent the last 15 years living in 2 different beautiful homes with large kitchens and lovely neighbors and not having to worry about monetary things.  Now, I am 43 years old young and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with a teeny kitchen and a small bathroom but you know what?  I’ve never felt so free & life in my entire life.

In no way am I saying it is easy. Hell, over the course of the past 4 months, I’ve lost 13 lbs, had a more panic attacks than you can count on 2 hands, several bouts of depression (BTW – I suffer from Anxiety and OCD) and I’ve had countless sleepless nights.  But, finally I can say that I made a decision that I 100% KNOW was the right decision for me and my children.

So, my 13yo son goes back and forth each week from my apartment to the house that I moved out of (with his father) <— that in and of itself is worthy of its own blog.  I am hoping that things smooth out for us all soon because having a touch of normalcy in our lives is needed.

Advertisements

About Aurelia

My name is Aurelia (pronounced Ah-real-lee-ya) and I am a 40-something year old woman on a voyage to stay true to who I am. I’ve spent so many years being the person others wanted me to be and I slowly lost touch with myself. I’ve been through many ups and downs in life and in January of 2013, I began the process of filing for divorce after 17 years of marriage and literally started to rebuild my life from the ground up.
This entry was posted in Life In General. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s