Well 2013 sure has been the year of change for me. I know that in the end, all of these changes will lead me to nothing but blessings but I will admit that the changes that I am going through are hard — well, down right HELLACIOUS is more accurate!
I’ve always told each one of my children to…”Be sure to make smart decisions”. I’ve also constantly told them to … “Always keep a positive attitude”. I will confess that some of the decisions I’ve made since Jan 1 (the start of my separation from my 15 year marriage) up to today haven’t been brilliant but through it all — I’ve NEVER set out to intentionally hurt anyone — not even my soon to be ex! With each decision I’ve had to make, I’ve always thought about those that my decision would affect. Also, I used to be positive 99% of the time but since the start of this process there have been so many days that my attitude has been everything BUT positive. That alone is hard enough to deal with because I don’t feel like myself when I am down.
Hell, its hard to maintain a positive attitude when you feel like the last 8 months of your life has been nothing but a series of roadblocks and hurdles. I started down this road knowing that it wouldn’t be a piece of cake but I’ve taken so many punches along the way that I’ve had to stop in my tracks and try to regroup. BTW – when I say punches.. I am not talking about little bitch punches either — I am talking about all out body shots that take your breath away and leave you standing there wondering where in the hell you are. From the beginning paperwork of the separation, to court dates, to moving out, to shared custody to now trying to find a new job… I feel like I’ve gone 12 rounds with a heavy weight fighter and those that know me know that my upper body strength is lacking ;-).
There are many things that have happened over the past 8 months that have really surprised me but the response from some of my ‘friends’ will always be one of the things that will constantly have me scratching my head and wondering “why”. I recently asked a close friend the following: “How can people be so selfish towards me/my situation knowing all that I am going through and knowing what type of person I genuinely am?” The answer was a straight up — “It’s human nature for some people to act that way. Some people are just that selfish”. I think out of all that I am going through — that is the one lesson that really stings the most. After-all – I am the one that is filing for divorce so I don’t expect my soon to be ex to be at my side & happy-go-lucky but I damn sure didn’t foresee losing friends along the way because of it.
I suppose that through all of the trials and tribulations that I have gone through and continue to go through that I have changed a bit. I’ve gotten stronger. I’ve found my voice. I’ve decided that I am WORTH more than what I was accepting and through it all — I’ve managed to set a good example for my children by showing them that you can go after what you want and deal with hard times without getting grimy, dirty, down right mean and vindictive.
I can handle a lot of things but I don’t deal with selfish people well at all. What I initially ended up doing was looking inside of myself to see what I did to make that person feel the way the feel or say the things that they say. Uhmm, can you say codependent? Then ijust dawned on me (well, a friend helped me to figure it out) — when you are dealing with selfish people — it doesn’t matter WHAT you do or say because they are only concerned with their feelings, wants and desires regardless of what others are feeling.
I hate to say it but it seems as if during the course of this divorce – I will be losing not only a husband — but a few friends too. I feel the shift already and I’ve spent so many hours meditating on it and finally I am at the point of just letting it go! The way I see it, the energy that I spend wondering why people are so damn selfish – can go to better use! I have so many people in my corner that really care about me and want nothing but the best. People have gone out of their way to share thoughts, resources, and words with me to keep me uplifted and that is where I need to place my focus.