WOW, I am just 3 weeks shy of being separated for a full year! 2013 seems like the longest yet the shortest damn year of my life. So many things have been said and done and I have to admit that I have the bumps and bruises to prove that I’ve been in a battle but I also have gained so much love for myself and for others in the process.
I’ve worked really hard on trying to make it through this separation/divorce positively but I will be the first to admit that I spent nights crying, cussing, yelling and fighting. My weight has gone up and down along with my energy level and some days I wake up feeling like I can kick ass and take names and other days it is hard to just get out of bed.
One of the hardest things for me throughout this entire process honestly has been adjusting to my new life.
noun: adjustment; plural noun: adjustments
1. a small alteration or movement made to achieve a desired fit, appearance, or result.
2. the act of adjusting; adaptation to a particular condition, position, or purpose.
Let’s take a quick look at my life (in snapshots) over the past 11 months. Since then I’ve…..
- Separated from my soon to be Ex
- Filed for legal separation/divorce
- Moved out of a 4 bedroom home on a 5,000 sq. foot lot into a small 2 bed room apartment
- Been in and out of the courtroom more times than I care to remember
- Gone through a surgical procedure
- Had my health insurance cut off (during the surgical procedure.. fun, huh)?
- Split custody of our 13 yo son (who I lovingly called the Boy Teen)
- Been fired from my job – the one I had for 9 years (mind you, I started a business with and have worked for/with my soon to be Ex since 1999).
- Have looked tireless for a new job
- Watched the Boy Teen try to make sense of some of the madness going on around him
- Oh, did I mention that I was fired from damn my job?
Phew… it has been a helluva year!!
Outside of moving and making that obvious physical adjustment, I’ve also spent time making a lot of emotional adjustments (and more are to come). Perhaps my list may be of some help to others also looking to make positive adjustments.
Here’s what I’ve done:
- Finding a comfortable outlet for my feelings – I can’t begin to tell you how much help my friends are to me. I have 2 super close friends (who I call my Dynamic Duo) that have been with me since day 1 of this journey and I honestly think that I would be in the nut house if it weren’t for them. I can pick up the phone and call either one of them snotting and crying at any time of the morning, noon or night and they would be on their way in a heart beat to come give me a hug, a shoulder or whatever else I needed at the time. I also have an amazing circle of Supper Club ladies and outside of meeting periodically for happy hour and dinners, we have created a wonderful chat forum where we all get to share our feelings down to the core! All of my amazing friends take time to support, value and energize me while providing me with a safe place to bitch, moan, whine, cry, toss idea’s around and just be myself. They take time to listen and they challenge me to make positive changes!
- Forgive Myself & My Ex – Well, 1 out of 2 ain’t bad. I have forgiven myself for the part I’ve played in the demise of the marriage and can say that I don’t have any regrets! I know in order to fully move on in a positive way, I also have to forgive him (not for his sake, but for mine).. I just am not quite there yet — Check back with me in a few months.
- Strengthening my ties to my faith – I know you aren’t just supposed to only pray when the shit hits the fan (hmm I just said pray and shit in the same line…) but I have to admit, I’ve meditated/prayed more this past year than I probably have in the past 5 years. I’ve spent so much time in deep meditation, reading and really reflecting on things. This has helped me to feel more connected with my feelings and it also allows me to understand things just a bit more
- Re-examine my life & learn from the past – I’ve spent (and will continue to spend) time looking into my past (not dwelling) and re-examining what I want out of life and how I can create that for myself. This part has been painful and takes a lot of work but I am seeing many positive changes from it already and it is totally worth it.
Believe it or not I am finally at the point where I am looking at this divorce as an opportunity to grow and transform! During all of the ‘self reflections’ that I’ve been doing, I’ve uncovered some things that I really don’t like about myself. I’ve learned that just acknowledging those things is OK and then I need to work on making changes (which I am doing). I’ve also realized that there are some things that I forgot that I absolutely LOVE about me and I am embracing those things and enhancing them.
I’ve always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and my favorite spiritual author (Wayne W. Dyer) says:
With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.
Well, I am committed to treating this as a gift and using it as an opportunity to grow!