I tried to think of a better topic for this blog post but the title fits perfectly! If you’ve been visiting my blog or if you know me fairly well, you know that I suffer with anxiety and OCD on a daily basis. Some days are great and others — not so great.
There are many things that bother me about my anxiety but the one thing that bothers me the most is that it hinders me from adjusting easily to change. All change. Any change. My anxiety doesn’t discriminate — it flares up when there is good change or bad change.
Something as simple as the seasons changing make my anxiety flare up. Can you imagine that? I have zero control over the seasons changing and they change 4 times a year yet, each year when winter turns to spring, spring turns into summer, summer turns into fall and fall turns into winter — my anxiety spikes. Usually the winter to spring and spring to summer are the worst but they all pretty much suck to be honest with you. The season changes are hard for me because hell, any type of change is hard for me. I think the beginning of each season indicates certain “markers” in my life. Winter (holidays, rushing, end of the year); spring (death); summer (keeping the teen positively occupied & adjusting to a new schedule); fall (start of school/new schedule). Each time a season rolls around, I am pulling out my calendar to see if I have all of my ducks in the row for what I know will come up and then I get anxious about all of the unknowns as well. The winter to spring change is especially hard because I lost my grandmother on April 8, 2012. She raised me from 12 on and she was my entire world and unfortunately died of cancer.
This year as winter turns into spring, on top of the feelings that I have about the anniversary of my grandmothers death, I also recently resigned from one job (that I had for 2 years) and accepted a position at another company. I loved my old job but a great opportunity was available and I had to accept. You would think that I would be nothing but excited but here I am — for the past 2 days I’ve suffered from headaches, a few panic attacks, tears and worry about everything from learning the ropes to the new commute to where will I eat lunch now that there are no food trucks near my new job. It just SUCKS!! Anxiety can literally sucks the fun out of life! Yes, I am medicated, yes I fill myself with all of the positive self talk that I can but my anxiety is still there.
This isn’t a total ‘bitch fest’. While I do have anxiety about things, I know that everything will work out in the end and I know that soon I will be excited about all of the newness of things. It is the process of getting to that ‘end’ part that I struggle with.